What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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The oddly pleasant feeling of looking down on a physist as they drink the last of their beer.

The strange charm of a top down bottoms up.
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Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?

Because there are too many ears.
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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