What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What is Donald Trumps campaign slogan?

"A complex world demands complex hair."
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What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?

Owlgebra
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What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time!
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