What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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