What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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