What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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