What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

With its sparrowchute.
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