What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What do you call a rabbit with beetles all over it?

Bugs Bunny.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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