What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

A phew.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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