What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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