What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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How are elephants and trees alike?

They both have trunks
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

A chili dog on a bun.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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