What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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A Bhuddist monk goes to a hotdog stand

and says make me one with everything.
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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