What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh wow, is it, like, dark, man?
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who read binary and those who don't.
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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