What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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A seal walks into a club...
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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