What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung.

The guardians of the galaxy!
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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