What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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