What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

Lilly.
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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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