What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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