What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

Because they kept saying "bach bach"!
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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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