What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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