What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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What did one wall say to the other?

I'll meet you at the corner.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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What do you call a slow skier?

A slopepoke!
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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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