What kind of underwear to reporters wear?

News briefs.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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