What letter can you drink?

T (tea)
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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