What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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And the mermaid, that was weird. What was she wearing in math class?

An Algae-bra
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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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