What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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