What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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What is Donald Trumps campaign slogan?

"A complex world demands complex hair."
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How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite

He said NaBrO
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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