What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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What did the baby corn ask the mother corn?

Where is pop corn?
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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