What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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