What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What's a royal pardon?

It's what the queen says after she burps.
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What did Cinderella say to the photographer?

Some day my prints will come.
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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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