What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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