What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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