What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
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