What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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