What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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