What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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