What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What is always hot in the refrigerator?

Chili
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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