What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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How are elephants and trees alike?

They both have trunks
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

A phew.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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