What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom"?

A cow walking backwards
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many lawyer jokes are there?

Only three. The rest are true stories.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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