What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Why don't lawyers go to the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them.
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Why does a stork stand on one leg?

Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine
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