What makes music on your hair?

A head band!

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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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Why did Bach have so many children?

He did not have a stop on his organ.

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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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