What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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What has holes all over and holds water?

A sponge!
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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