What music does cheese listen to?

R & Brie.
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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Why did the surfer think the sea was his friend?

Because it gave him a big wave!
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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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