What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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