What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

One hundred and nine. Seven on the Lightbulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Lightbulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the 18-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27-member Church Board, who appoint another 12-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to the Disney corporation. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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Ah, I had a great boomerang joke...

It'll come back to me.
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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