What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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