What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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