What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why did Mickey Mouse get whacked in the head?

coz Donald ducked
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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