What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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