What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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Did you know that oxygen went for a second date with potassium?
How did it go?

It went OK2!
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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