What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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