What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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What does a cat call a hummingbird?

Fast food.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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What is a shark's favorite sandwich?

Peanut butter and jellyfish.
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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