What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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