What robs you while you're in the bathtub?

A robber ducky.
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Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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What do lawyers wear in court?

Lawsuits.
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