What room can you not go into?

A mushroom!
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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