What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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