What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

He was looking for Pluto.

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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends

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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.

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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

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