What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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