What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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How do you handle dangerous cheese?

Caerphilly.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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