What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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How many subscribers to AOL does it take to change a light bulb?

What? You can change light bulbs?
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have any guts!
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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