What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What kind of answer did you have in mind?
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How many singers from Nashville does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go "Yee-Hah!" and throw his cowboy hat in the air.
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How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity any more.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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