What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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What do planets like to read?

Comet books!
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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