What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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Why is slippery ice like music?

If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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