What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What did the number 0 say to number 8?

Nice belt!
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?

Kitty Perry

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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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What is black when clean, and white when dirty?

A blackboard.
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Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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