What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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