What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.

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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.

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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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Were does a boat go when it is sick?

To the dock.
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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