What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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Do you know what the Queen's father was called?

King.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin'!
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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