What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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Why does a stork stand on one leg?

Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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What is a tornado's favorite game?

Twister!
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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