What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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The new band called 1023MB.

They haven't had any gigs yet
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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