What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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The new band called 1023MB.

They haven't had any gigs yet
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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