What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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