What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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