What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?

The police had to comb the area.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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