What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?

He was catching all the chickens!

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What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.

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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?

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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

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Whats the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.

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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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