What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What is a ghost's favorite fruit?

Booberries!
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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