What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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