What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?

A Moo-sician!

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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk
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How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?

That's "women," you unfunny jerk!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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