What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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And the mermaid, that was weird. What was she wearing in math class?

An Algae-bra
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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?

Because they have a lot of spirit.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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