What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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Why did a boy thow a clock out the window?

To see time fly.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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How do you catch a unique bird?

Unique up on it.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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