What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb??

What's a light bulb?
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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