What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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Why are the floors of basketball courts always so damp?

The players dribble a lot.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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What do camels use to hide themselves?

Camelflauge
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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