What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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How do you open the great lakes?

With the Florida Keys.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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Where do horses live?

In the neigh-borhood.
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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