What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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What is a cat's favorite movie?

The sound of Mew-sic
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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