What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?

Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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