What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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What kind of potato chips fly?

Plane ones.
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What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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