What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?

Not enough cement.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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