What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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What do you call two banana peels?

Slippers.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What is the difference between a fly and superman?

Superman can fly, but a fly cannot superman!
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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