What's a tree's favorite drink?

Rootbeer.
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.

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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.

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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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