What's a tree's favorite drink?

Rootbeer.
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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What kind of balls do dragons play soccer with?

Fireballs.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Once there was a family called the Biggers. There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their son. Who was bigger, Mr. Bigger or his son?

His son, because he's a little Bigger!
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