What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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Why are the floors of basketball courts always so damp?

The players dribble a lot.
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How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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