What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.
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