What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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