What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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