What's in the middle of nowhere?

The letter H.
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What do you call a wheel made of iron?

A ferrous wheel.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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