What's in the middle of nowhere?

The letter H.
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.
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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. Four to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, and . . .
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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