What's in the middle of nowhere?

The letter H.

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What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom"?

A cow walking backwards

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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan

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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.

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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet

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