What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."

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How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

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What makes music on your hair?

A head band!

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Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?

His "ghoul" friend!
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop

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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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