What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?

A dino-sore
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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