What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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My pastor, he ate too many beans.

He had in his own pews.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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