What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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Have you heard the joke about the butter?

I better not tell you, it might spread.
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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What room does a ghost not need?

A living room!
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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