What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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