What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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How do you cut a wave in half?

Use a sea saw.
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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