What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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