What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?

His "ghoul" friend!
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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