What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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