What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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Why did the belt go to jail?

It held up a pair of pants.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What is the chemical formula for "coffee"?

CoFe2
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Why would Snow White make a great judge?

She was the fairest in the land.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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