What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.

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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies

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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan

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