What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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