What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy
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Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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