What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.

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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy

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What does cheese like to drink?

Morbier
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.

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