What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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