What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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