What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

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My pastor, he ate too many beans.

He had in his own pews.

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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.

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What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

A chili dog on a bun.

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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.

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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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