What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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What do planets like to read?

Comet books!
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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