What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What is the chemical formula for "banana"?

BaNa2
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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