What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code.
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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