What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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How many singers from Nashville does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go "Yee-Hah!" and throw his cowboy hat in the air.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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