What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?

None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?

His powder puff is on the wrong end.
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