What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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What did the baby corn ask the mother corn?

Where is pop corn?
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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