What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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Do you know what the Queen's father was called?

King.
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Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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PMS jokes are not funny...

[Period]
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What kind of underwear to reporters wear?

News briefs.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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