What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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