What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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What is Donald Trumps favorite song?

ICE ICE Baby......
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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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