What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What kind of answer did you have in mind?
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What do you call a king who is only 12 inches tall?

A ruler.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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