What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A whole synod. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.
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What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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