What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?

A natural major.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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