What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've got you covered!
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How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?

One.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What did one egg say to the other egg?

You crack me up!
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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