What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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