What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.
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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman?

Because he is so cool!
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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