What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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