What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Where do orcas hear music?

Orca-stras
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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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