What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.
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Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed
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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.

If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.

Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

Bibliography:

[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ, 1986
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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