What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.
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Interesting story, the guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone.

I mean he did say he was a private tutor.
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What is a cat's favorite movie?

The sound of Mew-sic
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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