What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?

His powder puff is on the wrong end.
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