What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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