What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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Two girls were born on the same day, same year, same parents, except they are not twins. Explain:

They are triplets.
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Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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Why did they kick cinderella off the baseball team?

She kept running away from the ball.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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A Bhuddist monk goes to a hotdog stand

and says make me one with everything.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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