What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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If the red house is on the left,the blue house is on the right,where is the White House?

In Washington, D.C.
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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