What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?

He was catching all the chickens!
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How many French Horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he/she will spend hours checking for technical problems.
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What's 182 feet tall and made out of pepperoni and cheese?

The leaning tower of Pizza.
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