What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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What room can you not go into?

A mushroom!
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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