What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

That's not funny!!!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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