What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What's a frog's favorite drink?

Croak-a-cola.
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Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?

A dino-sore
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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How many French Horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he/she will spend hours checking for technical problems.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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