What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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What letter can you drink?

T (tea)
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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