What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?

He was a dirty double crosser!
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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