What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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What robs you while you're in the bathtub?

A robber ducky.
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