What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

A phew.
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What does a calf become after it's 1 year old?

2 years old.

Cow: "Mooooove over"
Sheep: "Naaaaaaa."
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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