What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three:

One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and

one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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