What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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How do you know when its Michael Jacksons bed time ?

When the big hand touches the little hand
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.


It's something I could really see myself doing.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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