What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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Have you heard the joke about the butter?

I better not tell you, it might spread.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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Why did the cow go to outer space?

To visit the milky way.
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