What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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