What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?

Bugs Bunny.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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