What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.

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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.

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How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.

A': None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer

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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.

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