What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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I'm sorry we can't let the elephants back into the public pool.

They keep dropping their trunks.
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How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.

A': None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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