What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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Why don't lawyers go to the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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