What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him/her.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
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