What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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