What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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