What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?

Because there are too many ears.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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