What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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