What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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