What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Why did they kick cinderella off the baseball team?

She kept running away from the ball.
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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