What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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What is a ghost's favorite fruit?

Booberries!
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How do you open the great lakes?

With the Florida Keys.
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