What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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How many members of the United Church of Canada does it take to change a light bulb?

How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the light bulb has chosen an alternative light-style?
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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