What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What's the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.

If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.

Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

Bibliography:

[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ, 1986
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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