What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?

Bugs Bunny.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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There was a rooster sitting on a top of a barn. If it laid an egg, which way would it roll?

Roosters don't lay eggs!
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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