What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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