What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

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What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.
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How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

A phew.

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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang

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How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.

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What bird can lift the most?

A crane.

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