What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda

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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.

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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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