What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, provided there is a programmer around to explain how to do it.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What's green and flies as fast as a speeding bullet?

Super Pickle!
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