What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?

Many hands make light work.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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