What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy
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