What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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