What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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