What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
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