What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What do a baker and a millionaire have in common?

They are both rolling in the dough!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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How are elephants and trees alike?

They both have trunks
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