What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.

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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)

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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.

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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.

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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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