What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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Why did the banana split?

It saw the ginger snap.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who read binary and those who don't.
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