What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Why is tennis such a loud game?

Because each player raises a racquet.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why did a boy thow a clock out the window?

To see time fly.
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What did the painter say to the wall?

I got you covered.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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