What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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What is at the end of everything?

The letter G.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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