What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
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What is a shark's favorite sandwich?

Peanut butter and jellyfish.
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