What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer
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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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