What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What's in the middle of nowhere?

The letter H.
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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How does an Eskimo stick his house together?

With igloo!
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