What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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