What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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