What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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