What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.

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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!

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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.

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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops

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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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