What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite

He said NaBrO
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