What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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How many PA' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What's a light bulb?
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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