What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room. It's all relative.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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