What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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