What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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What is a ghost's favorite pie?

Booberry pie!
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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What is the difference between a fly and superman?

Superman can fly, but a fly cannot superman!
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