What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

WHAT?
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

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