What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

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A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu
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What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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