What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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Why did the student eat her homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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