What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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What do you call a young army?

Infantry.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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