What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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What did Cinderella say to the photographer?

Some day my prints will come.
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What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my sun!
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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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