What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on what you want to change it into.
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

The fish.
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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