What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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How do you make Halloween great again?

By carving a Trumpkin.
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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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Why did the rooster cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken!
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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