What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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