What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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