What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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