What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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