What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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