What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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