What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?

None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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