What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.

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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)

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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.

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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy

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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?

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What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

A kitten.

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