What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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So the Pillsbury Doughboy's pants fell off and I..

feel really weird about donuts right now.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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