What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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PMS jokes are not funny...

[Period]
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So the Pillsbury Doughboy's pants fell off and I..

feel really weird about donuts right now.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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