What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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What bird can lift the most?

A crane.
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who read binary and those who don't.
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How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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