What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.

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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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what do you call a tick on the moon?

A luna-tick
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.

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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What do Michael Jackson and x-boxs have in common?

They're both plastic and little boys turn them on.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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