What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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Did you know that oxygen went for a second date with potassium?
How did it go?

It went OK2!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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