What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?

Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out

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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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What kind of table has no legs.

A multiplication table.
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