What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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