What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How do crows stick together in a flock?

Velcrow.
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What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time!
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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?

Aye, Aye, Arr and the Seven C's
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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