What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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