What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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