What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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Why are kindergarten teachers so good?

They can make little things count.
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Where do you go to find a million story building?

You go to the Library!
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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