What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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What room can you not go into?

A mushroom!
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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