What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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