What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk
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What room can you not go into?

A mushroom!
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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