What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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what do you call a tick on the moon?

A luna-tick
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How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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What does a calf become after it's 1 year old?

2 years old.

Cow: "Mooooove over"
Sheep: "Naaaaaaa."

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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