What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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