What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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