What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How many members of the United Church of Canada does it take to change a light bulb?

How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the light bulb has chosen an alternative light-style?
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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