What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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