What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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