What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo?

A Broncosaurus or a Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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