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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick falls off when you are dead.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a total rip-off.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?
Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.
Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why was the piano player arrested?
Because he got into treble with the cops
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?
Pupperoni.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?
Put him in the front seat.
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Why was the ant so confused?
Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing
but you accidentally say Mother.
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