What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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What has legs but doesn't walk?

A bed.
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What did the number 0 say to number 8?

Nice belt!
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