What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle!

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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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