What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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Why did the gardener plant his money?

He wanted his soil to be rich!
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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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