What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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What has three letters and starts with gas?

A car
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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How do you handle dangerous cheese?

Caerphilly.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three:

One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and

one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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