What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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Why did the cow go to outer space?

To visit the milky way.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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