What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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