What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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